Let the Fun Begin!

Next week I officially start radiation... which I have affectionately titled "Nukem U"...

The skin on my left chest wall

(from bra-line to collarbone, and sternum to past my armpit)

will most likely end up looking ... well... over baked.

They have assured me that I will not glow in the dark at any point. Darn!

The orginal timeframe my radiation oncologist gave me was 28 treatments...

M-F... starting on a Tuesday & skipping Thanksgiving....

If I figure it right...

and if I don't miss any treatments...

and if they don't change the number...

I'll be done December 3rd...

which is two days short of 10 months since I found the lump.

Yeah!!

A Scare... and Breathing Easy-er?

So... I had a bit of a scare this week...

Ok that's an understatement.

I had a cause for moderate to major freaking out.

I had a busy medical week anyway with stuff for the transition from chemo to radiation.

• Monday: Echocardiogram, ECG, and Oncologist post-chemo check-up
• Tuesday: Radiation consultation with my new Radiation Oncologist
• Wednesday: Appointmet with Surgeon to have mediport removed, since chemo is done and I shouldn't need it anymore.

I had this little lump develop near my mastectomy scar over the course of about a week...

At first I thought it was no big deal, just some funny skin thing. But I was at the oncologist anyway... so I mentioned it. He said it need to come out; no ifs, ands,or buts. I told him that I was seeing the surgeon on Wed. anyway to have my port removed. He said not to do that yet. Have the lump checked/removed. Absolutely cannot start radiation until this is dealt with.

It wasn't so much that I had to have it removed as that he said "don't get your port out"... like you might need that!... that I started to freak out. I was fine until I got out of the office and to my car, then I proceeded to cry for the next 45 minutes before I could pull-it together enough to drive home.

Tuesday, the radiation oncologist,Dr. Z, concurred that it needed to at least be biopsied. He was a bit more specific (because I asked for specifics of the "what-if" scenarios). IF it is cancer... best case scenario is that it is removed. If she (the surgeon) can't remove it for whatever reason, Dr.Z said he could adjust the radiation to that area to deal with the lump... give it a little extra oomph! ya know... but regardless, I would have some kind of scan done to see if cancer was anywhere else, like the lymph nodes under my sternum or some other part of my body (like my bones).

And then we would go from there.

So Wednesday, I saw my surgeon (who is fabulous!) and she removed it. She also remodeled my scar a bit. I had this funny part that kind of stuck out at the end of the mastectomy incision, near my sternum. Since the lump was close to that area, she got rid of the lump and the funny bump at the same time... leaving me with 17 stitches to show for it. I love her because she will give me a straight answer without the typical sugar-coating if I ask for it... which I did. She thought it looked like a cancer recurrence.

Well.... It's NOT. The pathology came back that it was just an abcess, a spot of some kind of localized infection. I'm not really sure why it was hard and unmoveable, but....

So now I wonder why I am NOT breathing easier.

I mean... this is a minor miracle in my life. A recurrence after a mastectomy is typically a bad thing. Statistically, about 80% of women who get one eventually end up with cancer that has spread to other body systems, which is really not good.

So I lay in bed this morning... trying to figure out WHY I don't feel massive relief...

And I think I figured it out, at least somewhat...

From the time I was diagnosed, I have known that my cancer seemed to act pretty aggressively, grow pretty fast...

And I have been worried that it has spread already... and nobody knows it. From the beginning,

I have wanted SOMEBODY TO LOOK FOR IT.

Unless you have some symptoms of macrometastasis

(something big enough to cause symptoms), they don't look.

So if I had some bone pain or a funny cough....

they would look, but since I didn't....

well, they just watch and see.

You see, it doesn't improve your chances to find the spread early (before symptoms),

because the major factor is spread or no spread.

So here was my chance for someone to look for the sleeping monster inside me....

and now it's gone... now we're back to wait and see.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I know I have said that before, but it's just as true now.

I don't feel safe in my own skin.

What do you do when you can't get away from what's out to get you?

And so... I go about life.

I'm still a mom, a wife, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a follower of God, a nursing student.... all of these things and more.

And I try to convice myself that everything will be fine.

That I'll finish my treatment and that will be the end of it.

Sometimes it works, but sometimes.... well it doesn't.

I sound really morbid and depressing and I don't mean to.

I know more than ever that God has a plan for me

and that He is in control.

It's just that somewhere deep within,

I know that this cancer journey for me is going to be a long one.

That at some point it will be back and we'll dance again.

And I'm ok with that.

I just wish I knew when the music was gonna start....

Back to School

I feel like an incredible blogging slacker again, but it can't be helped.

At some point, I would like to write an Ode to Taxol (my current chemo drug) and whine my little heart out about how much I do not like it. But for now it will have to suffice to say that my chemo infusions will officially be over in 9 days... just 2more treatments. Then a little while after that for the residue to get out of my system and then hopefully I will be able to say goodbye to the pain and Vicoden that has accompanied the Taxol for the last 10 weeks...

But that will come later. Maybe December...?

Because I have started nursing school and now, I have no time for much of anything besides the necessities of my life... family, school, cancer... hopefully I can keep them prioritized that way. I try to keep up with everyone else, but just have no time to write anything about us. I apologize. Just know we are all well and still here. And God Bless Us, Every One.

A 4th of July Salute... A little late but heartfelt

My Friend Michelle emailed me the link to this great video and I wanted to share it.

As a proud daughter of a retired Air Force man and friend to many other military men and women, thank you for your service and dedication to freedom...

(Who ever thought KISS would have something like this out there?)

Congratulations!

I have gotten 2 "Congratulations!" in the last week or so and I thought it time to share a little good news for a change...

First...

"Congratulations! You are not a mutant."

My genetic testing came back with no known mutations of BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 genes. Good news for me and all my family as it means my cancer was probably just dumb luck... a fluke... and my chances of future breast or ovarian cancers is no more than the rest of the population... In fact it may be less than average because of the hormone therapy I will be on for 5 years after I finish radiation. And it won't be advised to have a second mastectomy and my ovaries removed (as it would have been with a mutation). So Yeah!!

Second...

"Congratulations! You have successfully petitioned to the

Associate Degree Nursing program and have been awarded a spot...for Fall 2010."

What this means is that I am heading back to school in August.

Life goes on, in spite of the big "C."

Doube Yeah!!

God is Good.

"Mom, I Need You"

I have a dear friend H. She and I have been through thick and thin and then some over the last 10+ years together. We talk on the telephone quite regularly. Now, H has a little girl, Flower, who is about 3 1/2. Flower has always done things on her own timeframe and is not afraid of expressing her needs vocally.

As an infant.... well she was a little high-maintenance. She didn't walk until she was almost 2, although for no physical reason... I am convinced that she just didn't feel like it yet.

Now, she is very verbal. And she has no problem just walking up to her mom and saying,

"Mom, I need you."

Sometimes it's a snack or a nose-wipe or a movie or her little brother is being a pest...

sometimes it's just because...

Just because at that particular moment life seems to big for her to handle on her own and she just needs her mom....

Climb up on the lap. Get a hug. Suddenly everything is OK again. And life goes on.

This is my mom. Isn't she cute for an old chick?!

Now, I think I got a rather false sense of security when Chemo Round 2 wasn't too bad.

Round 3, however, knocked me down pretty good.

No puking involved, but a good deal of nausea and exhaustion beyond newborn-baby stage.

Treatment was on Monday. By Thursday, I was a mess. I had slept 12 hours, gotten up and taken a shower, and hit the wall. I didn't even get my older kids driven to school. I was standing in my bathroom, crying over my pathetic-ness, when I heard Flower's little voice in my head and just knew I needed my mom.

Suddenly I was 3 years old again, and I knew that if I could just have my mom, somehow I could get through the day and things would be ok again.

So I called my mom. She didn't have any plans that day.

She asked what was up... and I lost it... I just cried. I told her that nothing was up. I was just tired and I didn't feel good and I needed a mom.

She said, "I can do that. I'll be there shortly." No questions, just OK.

So she came up (she's about 45 minutes from me) and got my kids to school... 2 hours late, but oh well..... let me cry and then just spent the day being my mom. She did my dishes... we made some muffins... she mostly made them really... got some laundry folded... and she stayed til my hubby got home... cuz then he could take care of me.

You know....One of the hardest lessons for me to learn through all this has been that it's ok to not be ok. Most of the time I am pretty positive and upbeat.

But I need to give myself permission to occasionally be a mess...

even for no other reason than that I'm tired of being tired...

And it doesn't matter how old you are,

sometimes you just need your mom.

Thanks, Mom. You're Awesome!

I woke up to a much better day.

Strange...

Strange how when you have no hair to get greasy, it's easy to forget to shower (until you begin to notice a not-so-nice aroma).... hmmm