Congratulations!

I have gotten 2 "Congratulations!" in the last week or so and I thought it time to share a little good news for a change...

First...

"Congratulations! You are not a mutant."

My genetic testing came back with no known mutations of BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 genes. Good news for me and all my family as it means my cancer was probably just dumb luck... a fluke... and my chances of future breast or ovarian cancers is no more than the rest of the population... In fact it may be less than average because of the hormone therapy I will be on for 5 years after I finish radiation. And it won't be advised to have a second mastectomy and my ovaries removed (as it would have been with a mutation). So Yeah!!

Second...

"Congratulations! You have successfully petitioned to the

Associate Degree Nursing program and have been awarded a spot...for Fall 2010."

What this means is that I am heading back to school in August.

Life goes on, in spite of the big "C."

Doube Yeah!!

God is Good.

"Mom, I Need You"

I have a dear friend H. She and I have been through thick and thin and then some over the last 10+ years together. We talk on the telephone quite regularly. Now, H has a little girl, Flower, who is about 3 1/2. Flower has always done things on her own timeframe and is not afraid of expressing her needs vocally.

As an infant.... well she was a little high-maintenance. She didn't walk until she was almost 2, although for no physical reason... I am convinced that she just didn't feel like it yet.

Now, she is very verbal. And she has no problem just walking up to her mom and saying,

"Mom, I need you."

Sometimes it's a snack or a nose-wipe or a movie or her little brother is being a pest...

sometimes it's just because...

Just because at that particular moment life seems to big for her to handle on her own and she just needs her mom....

Climb up on the lap. Get a hug. Suddenly everything is OK again. And life goes on.

This is my mom. Isn't she cute for an old chick?!

Now, I think I got a rather false sense of security when Chemo Round 2 wasn't too bad.

Round 3, however, knocked me down pretty good.

No puking involved, but a good deal of nausea and exhaustion beyond newborn-baby stage.

Treatment was on Monday. By Thursday, I was a mess. I had slept 12 hours, gotten up and taken a shower, and hit the wall. I didn't even get my older kids driven to school. I was standing in my bathroom, crying over my pathetic-ness, when I heard Flower's little voice in my head and just knew I needed my mom.

Suddenly I was 3 years old again, and I knew that if I could just have my mom, somehow I could get through the day and things would be ok again.

So I called my mom. She didn't have any plans that day.

She asked what was up... and I lost it... I just cried. I told her that nothing was up. I was just tired and I didn't feel good and I needed a mom.

She said, "I can do that. I'll be there shortly." No questions, just OK.

So she came up (she's about 45 minutes from me) and got my kids to school... 2 hours late, but oh well..... let me cry and then just spent the day being my mom. She did my dishes... we made some muffins... she mostly made them really... got some laundry folded... and she stayed til my hubby got home... cuz then he could take care of me.

You know....One of the hardest lessons for me to learn through all this has been that it's ok to not be ok. Most of the time I am pretty positive and upbeat.

But I need to give myself permission to occasionally be a mess...

even for no other reason than that I'm tired of being tired...

And it doesn't matter how old you are,

sometimes you just need your mom.

Thanks, Mom. You're Awesome!

I woke up to a much better day.

Pretty

This lovely varigated yarn feels happy and summery.

I have been blessed with not just one, but two very special mothers-in-law. I know this is not always the case, but mine have been wonderful. Thanks, Mom Irene! This one's for you.

The Power of Yarn and Prayer

In January, I started to get the mid-winter blahs so I decided I needed a project. I work with elderly people, many of whom are in wheelchairs and many of whom are always chilly... so I thought I would find a shawl pattern and crochet some shawls for my old ladies, and maybe one for myself.

On a tip from my yarn-whore friend, I found this really pretty, FREE shawl pattern on Ravelry.com. It's called "The All-Shawl."

(I suggest this free site for anyone who likes to make stuff from yarn - lots of free patterns.)

This is mine. It was the 4th one I made, I think.

I loved the yarn and couldn't give it away.

I made it extra wide so I can really wrap up in it.

It is 75% acrylic and 25% wool; warm but washable.

Then I bought some yarn... ok lots of yarn. And then a pamphlet with a few other patterns, including the cute ruffley thing below. I'm a bit of a compulsive shopper. This lovely green one is for Lisa.

Soon after the pattern and yarn binge... before I even had a chance to start to crochet... I found my lump. And I began to crochet. And crochet. And crochet.

{My list is now on the sidebar... Holy Cow! 19 & counting...

Even I didn't realize I had made that many.}

Sometimes I had a person in mind when I started a shawl and sometimes I decide who it's for when it's finished, usually because of a moment of inspiration that points me to a specific person. I have really been blessed by this.

I have been aware from the beginning of this rollercoaster that I had the prayers of many blanketing me. But last week, I got tangible evidence of this. A few of my "sisters" showed up at my house one evening to deliver this...

It is literally my very own "Prayer Blanket." You see, my dear friends had been getting together since around Valentine's day, praying and knitting and crocheting for me. Each sister made a piece or two and then they put it together to make this lovely afghan. So now when I go to my chemo treatments or anytime, anywhere else I need a little extra warmth, I have the love and prayers of powerful, faith-filled women to wrap up in.

The day after I got this blanket was a hard day. I wrapped up in my prayer blanket and had a deep-sleep power-nap.

A little island of tranquility in an otherwise teary day, which is nothing short of a miracle.

Never underestimate the power of yarn and prayer.

God is good.

PS... I take requests. I just need a color choice and a place to send it.

More Surgery

The collective medical minds surrounding me (and some extra specialists surrounding them...) have decided that I need more surgery to minimize the risk that cancer will come back in the same breast, otherwise known as a local recurrence... Something which I am now at high risk for. This particular enemy that I am fighting seems to be pretty nasty.

So tomorrow morning bright and early I head back to the hospital for a mastectomy. I will be home tomorrow afternoon, surgical drain and narcotic painkillers in tow. I have "Cassie-sitters" lined up for Friday and Saturday. Some lovely church-family members are coming to clean tomorrow while I am gone, so I get to come home to a clean house, and others are bringing dinner through Monday or more if needed.

Through it all, God is good.

Prayers welcome.

The Waiting Game.... aka Cancer sucks, but I am still so blessed.

It feels like all I have been doing lately is playing The Waiting Game. I wait for tests... I wait for test results.... I wait for appointments.... I wait for surgery.... I wait for more test results.... I wait to heal.... I wait to see the oncologist to get the game plan for the next step in treatment...

I wait..... for some ray of good news in the midst of all of the bad news coming in....

But not much good news has come. The tumor had grown by the time they got it out, almost tripled in size from the mammogram only 8 days earlier. The pathology results were not encouraging. Everything indicates that this cancer is NOT messing around. It is agressive and moving fast. On a cellular level, everything they score from 1 to 3 (1 being in the "not-so-bad" category)... my cancer scored a 3.

It was in 6 lymph nodes; one of these nodes was the size of a golf ball instead of the kidney bean it should have been. It had started drawing in surrounding tissues, like nerves. It remains to be seen whether or not I have permanent nerve damage in my left arm.

It was in my blood vessels, which means that even as I wait to heal from surgery it is moving around inside me looking for a new home.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

So I have started looking for good news.... searching out the bright spots in this unpleasant reality that I now find myself. And there are many....

• I have an awesome husband. He has been, and continues to be, my strongest cheerleader. He is such an example of absolute faith that God will see us through this. He gives me so much strength when I run low... which is often.


• I have 4 fine healthy sons. Proof that miracles happen all the time.


• I have a wonderful family that has rallied around me. My sister even went online and ordered Gone With The Wind for me on DVD because I lamented not being able to find it to add to my chic flick collection.


• My church famly has blanketed me with love and prayers. Not to mention dinners for my family, housekeeping, cards and more cards, and unconditional support.


• My friends have done the same.... plus some flowers and the occasional chocolate treat.


• I've lost about 20 pounds in the last month.


• I've decided to cut my hair before chemo and donate it to Locks of Love. At least if I have to lose my hair, I can do it on my own terms.


• I have gotten to spend the last 2 weeks being a complete slacker. Chic flicks, naps, and crochet.

And many many other things that escape me.... That's just how my brain is right now.

I had this weird compulsion to find a shawl pattern and buy lots of yarn right before I found this lump. Interesting coincidence, if you believe in coincidences... which I don't, or proof that God is in control and knew that I was going to need something to do with my hands to keep me sane through the waiting.

I have made 6 shawls... finally one for me last week. The rest I give away... special Cassie hugs that will keep you warm anytime. The one I will probably finish today is for the lovely woman who did my mammogram. She herself is a breast cancer survivor. She knew what she was looking at in me from the beginning and didn't let on. So Barb, this one's for you.

I am hoping to have a scan done this week which will tell me if this cancer has transplanted anywhere and is setting up housekeeping in a major way. It will not detect microscopic stuff, but will still hopefully give me a little more peace of mind. The oncology appointment to set up the treatment protocol ... aka plan of attack..... should be next week, but I won't know when until Thursday after I see my surgeon for another follow-up.

I'll keep you posted (Ha Ha! I'm so punny!)

Thanks For Today - The Power of the Pooch

Maybe my Thanks For Today should be something quite profound on the day before the actual Thanksgiving holiday, but today I am thankful for my dog. I considered myself more of a "Cat Person" until about 7 years ago, when I had a couple cats that really liked to urinate on my furniture. Having to get rid of my living room couches was a pretty quick "Cat-Person CURE."

My husband let me pick out a beagle puppy for a wedding gift. And even though my puppy Zeke has been a real pain in the hiney many times, he has still converted me into a definite "Dog Person." Zeke kind of annoys my sister, so it was especially funny when she sent me this video. It's kind of cute and cheesy, but also.... profound... and illustrates why I am such a sap for my dog.



Some people would argue that cats are like this too, but cats are very prone to PMS-y kinds of random crabbiness. Dogs just love.

Thanks For Today- Gratitude in Hardship

Blogging is an interesting beast to me.

I primarily started doing this on the prompting of my dear friend H.

But there are perks.

I didn't grow up close to my extended family, but thanks to dedicated grandparents on my mom's side we always felt part of the family. Well, time passes. I was one of the older grandkids, and as I got married and had kids, traveling cross country became nigh unto an impossible financial challenge and my younger cousins have gone and grown up without my permission. I remember them being preschoolers and now most of them are married and many have preschoolers of their own. Most of my girl-cousins blog, as well as most of my boy-cousins' wives. So now I am getting to know my extended, extended family... and it is very cool.

My cousin Justin has a lovely wife (I think we've met once...?) who posted the following tidbit. Now I know some of my readers are not LDS (my whole family is) but I thought this was an excellent message regardless of denomonational preference.

Thanks for Today.

Today I am thankful that I can have peace and joy through Christ, even and especially when it seems like the hard times in my life will not let me up for air.

{And thanks Echo for sharing this in the first place}

Thanks for Today - A Great Big Cyber-Hug for All You Fellow Blogger-Moms

I don't know if anyone else reads random blogs of people they don't know, but I do. I start at someone I know, then look at their sidebar, see a post title that looks interesting, and before I know it I am reading about the crazy life of a complete stranger. One such blog gave me the idea to practice some November gratitude, blogger-style. So every day (that I have time/ remember) I'm going to blog some gratitude.

Today I am thankful for all my fellow mom-bloggers. It's amazing to me when I read about those I know and love, and the complete strangers, how similar many of our struggles are and yet how unique and gifted each of these special women are.

I was reading a Christian fiction series recently called "The Sister Circle." It was about women: how we are made to be compassionate nurturers, how God loves each of us, has a plan for each of us, and how intertwined our paths really are.

So Thank You, women of the blogging world. Thank you for sharing your joys and sorrows, triumphs and tragedies, and little windows into your worlds. You have surely enriched mine.

Good News, but.... Scary?

So, I am excited to announce that I have a job.



I had interviewed 2 different places; this is not the one I planned to take. I don't know why God wants me here, but I am sure that this is where I need to be right now. I was waiting for over an hour before my interview (the Director of Housing was dealing with "a situation"). The Director of Nursing, who did the initial interview, finally came by and got things going.



She started out by saying, "We'd like to hire you." I felt such peace, such confirmation that it was the right thing. She didn't mention that she wanted me for night shift until later. By then it was too late for me to back out; I already had my answer. I try not to argue with God too much; even if I win... well it's usually much more difficult than if I had just listened in the first place, so here we are.

This is a very good thing for our family financially right now. I am entering the health care field which I am excited about (at the bottom of the food chain, of course, but that's OK). It's close to home. It pays well. It's got good benefits and a 401K. I don't have to wear scrubs. The facility is beautiful. The management team seems really great; the head of the facility is actually a good friend of a good friend, which is reassuring. All this is good, but I am still majorly stressed and aprehensive.

What makes me really nervous is that I am going to be working the NOC shift... which means, I put my kids to bed, snuggle with my sweetie a bit, then head off to work, and work 11 p.m. until 7:30 a.m. Then I come home, kiss my kiddos good-bye before school, maybe drive the older ones to school, and then come home, have breakfast, and try to go to sleep til they get home and wake me up.



Now, I know that lots and lots of people work third shift. It's not that I think I'm too good for that or anything; in fact, I offered to work nights. I'm absolutely petrified of failure, and I'm worried that I won't be able to handle this. I LOVE SLEEP! I'm not sure 6 or 7 hours is going to cut it. And what about the weekends? What if I fall asleep in the middle of the shift? (There's a workout room in the lower level and I may go get my blood pumping before my shift and on my lunch break to help me stay awake.)



I have also not been married long enough that I don't care whether or not I sleep with my husband. And frankly, I don't plan to ever become that way. I love snuggling with my hubby. I love that we still sleep tangled and roll over to find each other even in sleep, even if it's just with fingers or toes. I'm going to miss that 5 nights a week.



I'm not sure when I start at this point, but it will be soon, probably within the next week. I know God has a purpose in this new adventure far from my comfort zone. Wish He would clue me in on what it was...

My Sweetie

Now, I acknowledge that he's quite a bit older than I am... a self-described dinosaur-type, grumpy old curmudgeon at times...

But look at that grin!

I think he's just so cute... gray hair and all.

This is My Sweetie, Tom, with Ben and our friend Drew at an antique car show that Tom's Model T club puts on every year. The club has a guy that brings his antique, steam-powered tractor and steams sweet corn. It is awesomely good corn!
I had to miss it this year due to a scheduling conflict...
and I really missed it!

(Notice that Drew has a gun. His main love in life is anything army related; guns definitely qualify... Gotta love boys!)

Tom with one of his best buds for the last 40+ years, Steve.

Just a couple of good ol' boys, sittin' in the sun enjoyin some fresh sweet corn. Life is good!

(Drew belongs to Steve.... I thought DREW was totally over-the-top into army stuff, until I met Steve's older brother... holy pajamas!)


Tom's contribution to the car show... his 1924 Model T...

it's old, but cute too!

Multitasking 101

For the record, books on CD from the library are an awesomely good thing. I love to read, but I often find myself so enthralled by a good novel that I neglect everything else in my house... little things like laundry and dishes, and big things like my kids and fixing meals. Now... I MULTITASK! I "read" my books on CD while I fold laundry and do dishes and bake birthday cakes (yes, the Cake-Lady strikes again). And the CDs are broken up into 3-minute tracks, so it's pretty easy to find my place again if the boys need something. Reading indulgence without the guilt! Ahhhh!! How cool is that!!

It's Official!

Final grades are in and I officially graduated with a 4.0 GPA. WooHoo!!!!

(Thanks, Mr. Biochem-Professor-Man for grading on a curve!)

Sometimes it's just cool to be a mom

So... my little Bubba came in the house tonight and said, "Mom, can I tell you the truth about something?"

I am bracing myself for the "Don't be mad, but I broke blah-blah-blah on accident" line when he says...

"It's just cool to be a boy, Mom." And goes back out to the treehouse with the 4 or 5 other boys who were climbin up and down the ladder and shootin' each other with Nerf guns.

I love boys!