The Waiting Game.... aka Cancer sucks, but I am still so blessed.

It feels like all I have been doing lately is playing The Waiting Game. I wait for tests... I wait for test results.... I wait for appointments.... I wait for surgery.... I wait for more test results.... I wait to heal.... I wait to see the oncologist to get the game plan for the next step in treatment...

I wait..... for some ray of good news in the midst of all of the bad news coming in....

But not much good news has come. The tumor had grown by the time they got it out, almost tripled in size from the mammogram only 8 days earlier. The pathology results were not encouraging. Everything indicates that this cancer is NOT messing around. It is agressive and moving fast. On a cellular level, everything they score from 1 to 3 (1 being in the "not-so-bad" category)... my cancer scored a 3.

It was in 6 lymph nodes; one of these nodes was the size of a golf ball instead of the kidney bean it should have been. It had started drawing in surrounding tissues, like nerves. It remains to be seen whether or not I have permanent nerve damage in my left arm.

It was in my blood vessels, which means that even as I wait to heal from surgery it is moving around inside me looking for a new home.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

So I have started looking for good news.... searching out the bright spots in this unpleasant reality that I now find myself. And there are many....

• I have an awesome husband. He has been, and continues to be, my strongest cheerleader. He is such an example of absolute faith that God will see us through this. He gives me so much strength when I run low... which is often.


• I have 4 fine healthy sons. Proof that miracles happen all the time.


• I have a wonderful family that has rallied around me. My sister even went online and ordered Gone With The Wind for me on DVD because I lamented not being able to find it to add to my chic flick collection.


• My church famly has blanketed me with love and prayers. Not to mention dinners for my family, housekeeping, cards and more cards, and unconditional support.


• My friends have done the same.... plus some flowers and the occasional chocolate treat.


• I've lost about 20 pounds in the last month.


• I've decided to cut my hair before chemo and donate it to Locks of Love. At least if I have to lose my hair, I can do it on my own terms.


• I have gotten to spend the last 2 weeks being a complete slacker. Chic flicks, naps, and crochet.

And many many other things that escape me.... That's just how my brain is right now.

I had this weird compulsion to find a shawl pattern and buy lots of yarn right before I found this lump. Interesting coincidence, if you believe in coincidences... which I don't, or proof that God is in control and knew that I was going to need something to do with my hands to keep me sane through the waiting.

I have made 6 shawls... finally one for me last week. The rest I give away... special Cassie hugs that will keep you warm anytime. The one I will probably finish today is for the lovely woman who did my mammogram. She herself is a breast cancer survivor. She knew what she was looking at in me from the beginning and didn't let on. So Barb, this one's for you.

I am hoping to have a scan done this week which will tell me if this cancer has transplanted anywhere and is setting up housekeeping in a major way. It will not detect microscopic stuff, but will still hopefully give me a little more peace of mind. The oncology appointment to set up the treatment protocol ... aka plan of attack..... should be next week, but I won't know when until Thursday after I see my surgeon for another follow-up.

I'll keep you posted (Ha Ha! I'm so punny!)