The Power of Yarn and Prayer

In January, I started to get the mid-winter blahs so I decided I needed a project. I work with elderly people, many of whom are in wheelchairs and many of whom are always chilly... so I thought I would find a shawl pattern and crochet some shawls for my old ladies, and maybe one for myself.

On a tip from my yarn-whore friend, I found this really pretty, FREE shawl pattern on Ravelry.com. It's called "The All-Shawl."

(I suggest this free site for anyone who likes to make stuff from yarn - lots of free patterns.)

This is mine. It was the 4th one I made, I think.

I loved the yarn and couldn't give it away.

I made it extra wide so I can really wrap up in it.

It is 75% acrylic and 25% wool; warm but washable.

Then I bought some yarn... ok lots of yarn. And then a pamphlet with a few other patterns, including the cute ruffley thing below. I'm a bit of a compulsive shopper. This lovely green one is for Lisa.

Soon after the pattern and yarn binge... before I even had a chance to start to crochet... I found my lump. And I began to crochet. And crochet. And crochet.

{My list is now on the sidebar... Holy Cow! 19 & counting...

Even I didn't realize I had made that many.}

Sometimes I had a person in mind when I started a shawl and sometimes I decide who it's for when it's finished, usually because of a moment of inspiration that points me to a specific person. I have really been blessed by this.

I have been aware from the beginning of this rollercoaster that I had the prayers of many blanketing me. But last week, I got tangible evidence of this. A few of my "sisters" showed up at my house one evening to deliver this...

It is literally my very own "Prayer Blanket." You see, my dear friends had been getting together since around Valentine's day, praying and knitting and crocheting for me. Each sister made a piece or two and then they put it together to make this lovely afghan. So now when I go to my chemo treatments or anytime, anywhere else I need a little extra warmth, I have the love and prayers of powerful, faith-filled women to wrap up in.

The day after I got this blanket was a hard day. I wrapped up in my prayer blanket and had a deep-sleep power-nap.

A little island of tranquility in an otherwise teary day, which is nothing short of a miracle.

Never underestimate the power of yarn and prayer.

God is good.

PS... I take requests. I just need a color choice and a place to send it.

A Quick Update

I know that some of you are looking for an update on me and my surgery.

I wish I had something super-inspiring to share.... but I don't.

I am doing as well as can be expected, I think. The physical recouperation isn't as bad this time around as it was last time. I have a 15 inch incision from the back of my underarm area to just past the midpoint of my chest. It is stapled shut. I have a surgical drain through tomorrow. It sounds and looks way bad, but although I am exceptionally tired, I am not in a huge amount of pain.

I walked with my husband all the way to the corner and back yesterday; we live in the middle of the block. About 2 houses down, Tom asked if I wanted to stop and say "Hi" to the neighbors.... I couldn't. I just needed to go home. I was done.

I had a major emotional meltdown... well several of them actually.... Saturday. That was the day I could take my bandages off and take a shower. I thought I was prepared... but I looked in the mirror and just cried.

Then I cried my way through the shower.

Then I cried to my mom.

Then later... I cried to my husband, actually I finally cried myself to sleep with him rubbing my head.

I woke up to a better day.

So how am I doing? I don't really know how to answer that, except that I'm doing.

More Surgery

The collective medical minds surrounding me (and some extra specialists surrounding them...) have decided that I need more surgery to minimize the risk that cancer will come back in the same breast, otherwise known as a local recurrence... Something which I am now at high risk for. This particular enemy that I am fighting seems to be pretty nasty.

So tomorrow morning bright and early I head back to the hospital for a mastectomy. I will be home tomorrow afternoon, surgical drain and narcotic painkillers in tow. I have "Cassie-sitters" lined up for Friday and Saturday. Some lovely church-family members are coming to clean tomorrow while I am gone, so I get to come home to a clean house, and others are bringing dinner through Monday or more if needed.

Through it all, God is good.

Prayers welcome.

The Squeaky Wheel Really Does Get The Grease

I'm learning this, and learning it quick. Especially as it applies to my medical situation.

My surgeon does not want to order further testing for me (squeak, squeak). She wants me to see the oncologist and have HIM do it... if he so chooses.

But... since I am "anxious" about this (squeak, squeak), they got me an appointment with the oncologist this week instead of waiting until next week.

So my waiting will have a little relief in that capacity at least.

I see the oncologist on Thursday morning.

Squeak. Squeak.

The Waiting Game.... aka Cancer sucks, but I am still so blessed.

It feels like all I have been doing lately is playing The Waiting Game. I wait for tests... I wait for test results.... I wait for appointments.... I wait for surgery.... I wait for more test results.... I wait to heal.... I wait to see the oncologist to get the game plan for the next step in treatment...

I wait..... for some ray of good news in the midst of all of the bad news coming in....

But not much good news has come. The tumor had grown by the time they got it out, almost tripled in size from the mammogram only 8 days earlier. The pathology results were not encouraging. Everything indicates that this cancer is NOT messing around. It is agressive and moving fast. On a cellular level, everything they score from 1 to 3 (1 being in the "not-so-bad" category)... my cancer scored a 3.

It was in 6 lymph nodes; one of these nodes was the size of a golf ball instead of the kidney bean it should have been. It had started drawing in surrounding tissues, like nerves. It remains to be seen whether or not I have permanent nerve damage in my left arm.

It was in my blood vessels, which means that even as I wait to heal from surgery it is moving around inside me looking for a new home.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

So I have started looking for good news.... searching out the bright spots in this unpleasant reality that I now find myself. And there are many....

• I have an awesome husband. He has been, and continues to be, my strongest cheerleader. He is such an example of absolute faith that God will see us through this. He gives me so much strength when I run low... which is often.


• I have 4 fine healthy sons. Proof that miracles happen all the time.


• I have a wonderful family that has rallied around me. My sister even went online and ordered Gone With The Wind for me on DVD because I lamented not being able to find it to add to my chic flick collection.


• My church famly has blanketed me with love and prayers. Not to mention dinners for my family, housekeeping, cards and more cards, and unconditional support.


• My friends have done the same.... plus some flowers and the occasional chocolate treat.


• I've lost about 20 pounds in the last month.


• I've decided to cut my hair before chemo and donate it to Locks of Love. At least if I have to lose my hair, I can do it on my own terms.


• I have gotten to spend the last 2 weeks being a complete slacker. Chic flicks, naps, and crochet.

And many many other things that escape me.... That's just how my brain is right now.

I had this weird compulsion to find a shawl pattern and buy lots of yarn right before I found this lump. Interesting coincidence, if you believe in coincidences... which I don't, or proof that God is in control and knew that I was going to need something to do with my hands to keep me sane through the waiting.

I have made 6 shawls... finally one for me last week. The rest I give away... special Cassie hugs that will keep you warm anytime. The one I will probably finish today is for the lovely woman who did my mammogram. She herself is a breast cancer survivor. She knew what she was looking at in me from the beginning and didn't let on. So Barb, this one's for you.

I am hoping to have a scan done this week which will tell me if this cancer has transplanted anywhere and is setting up housekeeping in a major way. It will not detect microscopic stuff, but will still hopefully give me a little more peace of mind. The oncology appointment to set up the treatment protocol ... aka plan of attack..... should be next week, but I won't know when until Thursday after I see my surgeon for another follow-up.

I'll keep you posted (Ha Ha! I'm so punny!)