"Mom, I Need You"

I have a dear friend H. She and I have been through thick and thin and then some over the last 10+ years together. We talk on the telephone quite regularly. Now, H has a little girl, Flower, who is about 3 1/2. Flower has always done things on her own timeframe and is not afraid of expressing her needs vocally.

As an infant.... well she was a little high-maintenance. She didn't walk until she was almost 2, although for no physical reason... I am convinced that she just didn't feel like it yet.

Now, she is very verbal. And she has no problem just walking up to her mom and saying,

"Mom, I need you."

Sometimes it's a snack or a nose-wipe or a movie or her little brother is being a pest...

sometimes it's just because...

Just because at that particular moment life seems to big for her to handle on her own and she just needs her mom....

Climb up on the lap. Get a hug. Suddenly everything is OK again. And life goes on.

This is my mom. Isn't she cute for an old chick?!

Now, I think I got a rather false sense of security when Chemo Round 2 wasn't too bad.

Round 3, however, knocked me down pretty good.

No puking involved, but a good deal of nausea and exhaustion beyond newborn-baby stage.

Treatment was on Monday. By Thursday, I was a mess. I had slept 12 hours, gotten up and taken a shower, and hit the wall. I didn't even get my older kids driven to school. I was standing in my bathroom, crying over my pathetic-ness, when I heard Flower's little voice in my head and just knew I needed my mom.

Suddenly I was 3 years old again, and I knew that if I could just have my mom, somehow I could get through the day and things would be ok again.

So I called my mom. She didn't have any plans that day.

She asked what was up... and I lost it... I just cried. I told her that nothing was up. I was just tired and I didn't feel good and I needed a mom.

She said, "I can do that. I'll be there shortly." No questions, just OK.

So she came up (she's about 45 minutes from me) and got my kids to school... 2 hours late, but oh well..... let me cry and then just spent the day being my mom. She did my dishes... we made some muffins... she mostly made them really... got some laundry folded... and she stayed til my hubby got home... cuz then he could take care of me.

You know....One of the hardest lessons for me to learn through all this has been that it's ok to not be ok. Most of the time I am pretty positive and upbeat.

But I need to give myself permission to occasionally be a mess...

even for no other reason than that I'm tired of being tired...

And it doesn't matter how old you are,

sometimes you just need your mom.

Thanks, Mom. You're Awesome!

I woke up to a much better day.

Strange...

Strange how when you have no hair to get greasy, it's easy to forget to shower (until you begin to notice a not-so-nice aroma).... hmmm

Pretty

This lovely varigated yarn feels happy and summery.

I have been blessed with not just one, but two very special mothers-in-law. I know this is not always the case, but mine have been wonderful. Thanks, Mom Irene! This one's for you.

Holy Crap!

I was writing out bills Thursday night and decided to add up my total medical bills to this point.
Holy crap.
Now, I have quite good insurance, so we are not paying this total amount, but it is still staggering if you look at the totals.

Here's the breakdown:

My local clinic bill... $7766
Includes: Mammogram, surgeon (& surgery follow-up), IUD removal, & removal of some little cysts on my head (so I don't have such a lumpy bald head).

Hospital imaging... $1029.20
Includes: Breast MRI

Hospital... $26,963.65
Includes: Biopsy, Bloodwork, 1st surgery
Doesn't include: 2nd surgery... I couldn't find the bill with that on it, but I think it was about $12,000.

Oncology Clinic... $7224
Includes: Consultations, Bloodwork, Pre-Chemo tests, 1st Chemo ($2542)

Pharmacy... $463.77
Includes: anti nausea meds

That puts the grand total somewhere between $43,000 & $55,000... so far... with about 6 months of treatment to go... Holy Crap!

Chemo Chronicles: The New Do...

SO... This was my "new do"... Remember?

I knew that the Adriamycin that is part of my chemotherapy makes everyone lose their hair. I had heard that the hair loss started about 2 weeks after your first treatment.

I had my first treatment on Monday, April 12th.

Sure enough....

2 Mondays later, while talking on the phone to a friend... my hair started coming out.

I knew this because I had been playing with it all morning... just waiting for the inevitible.
This was the Monday pile... every time I ran my fingers through my hair, out it came.

I didn't wake up to a pile on my pillow, but Tuesday morning I took a shower. It looked like a rat had died in my shower by the time I was done.
Then... because I am something of a "Picker"... you know ... like I pick at my nail polish when it starts to chip.... I started really working through my hair. I thought... somewhat delusionally... that if I just got all the loose stuff out, it would stop for a bit.
So I stood next to my sink and kind of "milked" my hair.... you know like milking a cow... I would grab a patch and start just going over it and the hair would come streaming out... like a waterfall.
After about a half hour.... I had this...

and decided enough was enough..... I was not going to spend all day obsessing...
literally pulling my hair out.
So I called my friend and asked her to meet me at the barbershop where my boys get their hair cut (when I don't do it).
I went to Ann's because her dad just went through cancer treatments... so she gets it.
I said... "Hey Ann, Got time to buzz me?"
And so she did. Down to about a half inch.
So at least when I read my book and pulled at my hair the next couple days, I only got little stacks of these...
{Sorry... not a good picture...}
Thursday, Ben got home from school and told me it looked like I had a "hair maze" on my head... you know... where the hair is just the outline for the bald-headed maze.
So I buzzed it down to nothing... Sadly, this is all I had left to buzz... it's on a washcloth.
The stubble bothered me, so the next morning I got out these...

And now I look like this....

Around the house, I go bald/comfortable.... At least I have a decent shaped head. I do have a little bump on the top and a mole on the back that I didn't know was there. Oh well.

Having no hair messes with my temperature, so sometimes my head is cold & I cover it... then 2 minutes later... I am so warm I can't stand it. Weird.

I am not "wigging." I do like my scarves though.

My dear husband calls this my "Pirate Girl" look.... "Arrrrgh!"

I do love the big earrings though!