A Scare... and Breathing Easy-er?

So... I had a bit of a scare this week...

Ok that's an understatement.

I had a cause for moderate to major freaking out.

I had a busy medical week anyway with stuff for the transition from chemo to radiation.

• Monday: Echocardiogram, ECG, and Oncologist post-chemo check-up
• Tuesday: Radiation consultation with my new Radiation Oncologist
• Wednesday: Appointmet with Surgeon to have mediport removed, since chemo is done and I shouldn't need it anymore.

I had this little lump develop near my mastectomy scar over the course of about a week...

At first I thought it was no big deal, just some funny skin thing. But I was at the oncologist anyway... so I mentioned it. He said it need to come out; no ifs, ands,or buts. I told him that I was seeing the surgeon on Wed. anyway to have my port removed. He said not to do that yet. Have the lump checked/removed. Absolutely cannot start radiation until this is dealt with.

It wasn't so much that I had to have it removed as that he said "don't get your port out"... like you might need that!... that I started to freak out. I was fine until I got out of the office and to my car, then I proceeded to cry for the next 45 minutes before I could pull-it together enough to drive home.

Tuesday, the radiation oncologist,Dr. Z, concurred that it needed to at least be biopsied. He was a bit more specific (because I asked for specifics of the "what-if" scenarios). IF it is cancer... best case scenario is that it is removed. If she (the surgeon) can't remove it for whatever reason, Dr.Z said he could adjust the radiation to that area to deal with the lump... give it a little extra oomph! ya know... but regardless, I would have some kind of scan done to see if cancer was anywhere else, like the lymph nodes under my sternum or some other part of my body (like my bones).

And then we would go from there.

So Wednesday, I saw my surgeon (who is fabulous!) and she removed it. She also remodeled my scar a bit. I had this funny part that kind of stuck out at the end of the mastectomy incision, near my sternum. Since the lump was close to that area, she got rid of the lump and the funny bump at the same time... leaving me with 17 stitches to show for it. I love her because she will give me a straight answer without the typical sugar-coating if I ask for it... which I did. She thought it looked like a cancer recurrence.

Well.... It's NOT. The pathology came back that it was just an abcess, a spot of some kind of localized infection. I'm not really sure why it was hard and unmoveable, but....

So now I wonder why I am NOT breathing easier.

I mean... this is a minor miracle in my life. A recurrence after a mastectomy is typically a bad thing. Statistically, about 80% of women who get one eventually end up with cancer that has spread to other body systems, which is really not good.

So I lay in bed this morning... trying to figure out WHY I don't feel massive relief...

And I think I figured it out, at least somewhat...

From the time I was diagnosed, I have known that my cancer seemed to act pretty aggressively, grow pretty fast...

And I have been worried that it has spread already... and nobody knows it. From the beginning,

I have wanted SOMEBODY TO LOOK FOR IT.

Unless you have some symptoms of macrometastasis

(something big enough to cause symptoms), they don't look.

So if I had some bone pain or a funny cough....

they would look, but since I didn't....

well, they just watch and see.

You see, it doesn't improve your chances to find the spread early (before symptoms),

because the major factor is spread or no spread.

So here was my chance for someone to look for the sleeping monster inside me....

and now it's gone... now we're back to wait and see.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I know I have said that before, but it's just as true now.

I don't feel safe in my own skin.

What do you do when you can't get away from what's out to get you?

And so... I go about life.

I'm still a mom, a wife, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a follower of God, a nursing student.... all of these things and more.

And I try to convice myself that everything will be fine.

That I'll finish my treatment and that will be the end of it.

Sometimes it works, but sometimes.... well it doesn't.

I sound really morbid and depressing and I don't mean to.

I know more than ever that God has a plan for me

and that He is in control.

It's just that somewhere deep within,

I know that this cancer journey for me is going to be a long one.

That at some point it will be back and we'll dance again.

And I'm ok with that.

I just wish I knew when the music was gonna start....