Let the Fun Begin!

Next week I officially start radiation... which I have affectionately titled "Nukem U"...

The skin on my left chest wall

(from bra-line to collarbone, and sternum to past my armpit)

will most likely end up looking ... well... over baked.

They have assured me that I will not glow in the dark at any point. Darn!

The orginal timeframe my radiation oncologist gave me was 28 treatments...

M-F... starting on a Tuesday & skipping Thanksgiving....

If I figure it right...

and if I don't miss any treatments...

and if they don't change the number...

I'll be done December 3rd...

which is two days short of 10 months since I found the lump.

Yeah!!

A Scare... and Breathing Easy-er?

So... I had a bit of a scare this week...

Ok that's an understatement.

I had a cause for moderate to major freaking out.

I had a busy medical week anyway with stuff for the transition from chemo to radiation.

• Monday: Echocardiogram, ECG, and Oncologist post-chemo check-up
• Tuesday: Radiation consultation with my new Radiation Oncologist
• Wednesday: Appointmet with Surgeon to have mediport removed, since chemo is done and I shouldn't need it anymore.

I had this little lump develop near my mastectomy scar over the course of about a week...

At first I thought it was no big deal, just some funny skin thing. But I was at the oncologist anyway... so I mentioned it. He said it need to come out; no ifs, ands,or buts. I told him that I was seeing the surgeon on Wed. anyway to have my port removed. He said not to do that yet. Have the lump checked/removed. Absolutely cannot start radiation until this is dealt with.

It wasn't so much that I had to have it removed as that he said "don't get your port out"... like you might need that!... that I started to freak out. I was fine until I got out of the office and to my car, then I proceeded to cry for the next 45 minutes before I could pull-it together enough to drive home.

Tuesday, the radiation oncologist,Dr. Z, concurred that it needed to at least be biopsied. He was a bit more specific (because I asked for specifics of the "what-if" scenarios). IF it is cancer... best case scenario is that it is removed. If she (the surgeon) can't remove it for whatever reason, Dr.Z said he could adjust the radiation to that area to deal with the lump... give it a little extra oomph! ya know... but regardless, I would have some kind of scan done to see if cancer was anywhere else, like the lymph nodes under my sternum or some other part of my body (like my bones).

And then we would go from there.

So Wednesday, I saw my surgeon (who is fabulous!) and she removed it. She also remodeled my scar a bit. I had this funny part that kind of stuck out at the end of the mastectomy incision, near my sternum. Since the lump was close to that area, she got rid of the lump and the funny bump at the same time... leaving me with 17 stitches to show for it. I love her because she will give me a straight answer without the typical sugar-coating if I ask for it... which I did. She thought it looked like a cancer recurrence.

Well.... It's NOT. The pathology came back that it was just an abcess, a spot of some kind of localized infection. I'm not really sure why it was hard and unmoveable, but....

So now I wonder why I am NOT breathing easier.

I mean... this is a minor miracle in my life. A recurrence after a mastectomy is typically a bad thing. Statistically, about 80% of women who get one eventually end up with cancer that has spread to other body systems, which is really not good.

So I lay in bed this morning... trying to figure out WHY I don't feel massive relief...

And I think I figured it out, at least somewhat...

From the time I was diagnosed, I have known that my cancer seemed to act pretty aggressively, grow pretty fast...

And I have been worried that it has spread already... and nobody knows it. From the beginning,

I have wanted SOMEBODY TO LOOK FOR IT.

Unless you have some symptoms of macrometastasis

(something big enough to cause symptoms), they don't look.

So if I had some bone pain or a funny cough....

they would look, but since I didn't....

well, they just watch and see.

You see, it doesn't improve your chances to find the spread early (before symptoms),

because the major factor is spread or no spread.

So here was my chance for someone to look for the sleeping monster inside me....

and now it's gone... now we're back to wait and see.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I know I have said that before, but it's just as true now.

I don't feel safe in my own skin.

What do you do when you can't get away from what's out to get you?

And so... I go about life.

I'm still a mom, a wife, a lover, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a follower of God, a nursing student.... all of these things and more.

And I try to convice myself that everything will be fine.

That I'll finish my treatment and that will be the end of it.

Sometimes it works, but sometimes.... well it doesn't.

I sound really morbid and depressing and I don't mean to.

I know more than ever that God has a plan for me

and that He is in control.

It's just that somewhere deep within,

I know that this cancer journey for me is going to be a long one.

That at some point it will be back and we'll dance again.

And I'm ok with that.

I just wish I knew when the music was gonna start....

Back to School

I feel like an incredible blogging slacker again, but it can't be helped.

At some point, I would like to write an Ode to Taxol (my current chemo drug) and whine my little heart out about how much I do not like it. But for now it will have to suffice to say that my chemo infusions will officially be over in 9 days... just 2more treatments. Then a little while after that for the residue to get out of my system and then hopefully I will be able to say goodbye to the pain and Vicoden that has accompanied the Taxol for the last 10 weeks...

But that will come later. Maybe December...?

Because I have started nursing school and now, I have no time for much of anything besides the necessities of my life... family, school, cancer... hopefully I can keep them prioritized that way. I try to keep up with everyone else, but just have no time to write anything about us. I apologize. Just know we are all well and still here. And God Bless Us, Every One.

A 4th of July Salute... A little late but heartfelt

My Friend Michelle emailed me the link to this great video and I wanted to share it.

As a proud daughter of a retired Air Force man and friend to many other military men and women, thank you for your service and dedication to freedom...

(Who ever thought KISS would have something like this out there?)

Congratulations!

I have gotten 2 "Congratulations!" in the last week or so and I thought it time to share a little good news for a change...

First...

"Congratulations! You are not a mutant."

My genetic testing came back with no known mutations of BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 genes. Good news for me and all my family as it means my cancer was probably just dumb luck... a fluke... and my chances of future breast or ovarian cancers is no more than the rest of the population... In fact it may be less than average because of the hormone therapy I will be on for 5 years after I finish radiation. And it won't be advised to have a second mastectomy and my ovaries removed (as it would have been with a mutation). So Yeah!!

Second...

"Congratulations! You have successfully petitioned to the

Associate Degree Nursing program and have been awarded a spot...for Fall 2010."

What this means is that I am heading back to school in August.

Life goes on, in spite of the big "C."

Doube Yeah!!

God is Good.

"Mom, I Need You"

I have a dear friend H. She and I have been through thick and thin and then some over the last 10+ years together. We talk on the telephone quite regularly. Now, H has a little girl, Flower, who is about 3 1/2. Flower has always done things on her own timeframe and is not afraid of expressing her needs vocally.

As an infant.... well she was a little high-maintenance. She didn't walk until she was almost 2, although for no physical reason... I am convinced that she just didn't feel like it yet.

Now, she is very verbal. And she has no problem just walking up to her mom and saying,

"Mom, I need you."

Sometimes it's a snack or a nose-wipe or a movie or her little brother is being a pest...

sometimes it's just because...

Just because at that particular moment life seems to big for her to handle on her own and she just needs her mom....

Climb up on the lap. Get a hug. Suddenly everything is OK again. And life goes on.

This is my mom. Isn't she cute for an old chick?!

Now, I think I got a rather false sense of security when Chemo Round 2 wasn't too bad.

Round 3, however, knocked me down pretty good.

No puking involved, but a good deal of nausea and exhaustion beyond newborn-baby stage.

Treatment was on Monday. By Thursday, I was a mess. I had slept 12 hours, gotten up and taken a shower, and hit the wall. I didn't even get my older kids driven to school. I was standing in my bathroom, crying over my pathetic-ness, when I heard Flower's little voice in my head and just knew I needed my mom.

Suddenly I was 3 years old again, and I knew that if I could just have my mom, somehow I could get through the day and things would be ok again.

So I called my mom. She didn't have any plans that day.

She asked what was up... and I lost it... I just cried. I told her that nothing was up. I was just tired and I didn't feel good and I needed a mom.

She said, "I can do that. I'll be there shortly." No questions, just OK.

So she came up (she's about 45 minutes from me) and got my kids to school... 2 hours late, but oh well..... let me cry and then just spent the day being my mom. She did my dishes... we made some muffins... she mostly made them really... got some laundry folded... and she stayed til my hubby got home... cuz then he could take care of me.

You know....One of the hardest lessons for me to learn through all this has been that it's ok to not be ok. Most of the time I am pretty positive and upbeat.

But I need to give myself permission to occasionally be a mess...

even for no other reason than that I'm tired of being tired...

And it doesn't matter how old you are,

sometimes you just need your mom.

Thanks, Mom. You're Awesome!

I woke up to a much better day.

Strange...

Strange how when you have no hair to get greasy, it's easy to forget to shower (until you begin to notice a not-so-nice aroma).... hmmm

Pretty

This lovely varigated yarn feels happy and summery.

I have been blessed with not just one, but two very special mothers-in-law. I know this is not always the case, but mine have been wonderful. Thanks, Mom Irene! This one's for you.

Holy Crap!

I was writing out bills Thursday night and decided to add up my total medical bills to this point.
Holy crap.
Now, I have quite good insurance, so we are not paying this total amount, but it is still staggering if you look at the totals.

Here's the breakdown:

My local clinic bill... $7766
Includes: Mammogram, surgeon (& surgery follow-up), IUD removal, & removal of some little cysts on my head (so I don't have such a lumpy bald head).

Hospital imaging... $1029.20
Includes: Breast MRI

Hospital... $26,963.65
Includes: Biopsy, Bloodwork, 1st surgery
Doesn't include: 2nd surgery... I couldn't find the bill with that on it, but I think it was about $12,000.

Oncology Clinic... $7224
Includes: Consultations, Bloodwork, Pre-Chemo tests, 1st Chemo ($2542)

Pharmacy... $463.77
Includes: anti nausea meds

That puts the grand total somewhere between $43,000 & $55,000... so far... with about 6 months of treatment to go... Holy Crap!

Chemo Chronicles: The New Do...

SO... This was my "new do"... Remember?

I knew that the Adriamycin that is part of my chemotherapy makes everyone lose their hair. I had heard that the hair loss started about 2 weeks after your first treatment.

I had my first treatment on Monday, April 12th.

Sure enough....

2 Mondays later, while talking on the phone to a friend... my hair started coming out.

I knew this because I had been playing with it all morning... just waiting for the inevitible.
This was the Monday pile... every time I ran my fingers through my hair, out it came.

I didn't wake up to a pile on my pillow, but Tuesday morning I took a shower. It looked like a rat had died in my shower by the time I was done.
Then... because I am something of a "Picker"... you know ... like I pick at my nail polish when it starts to chip.... I started really working through my hair. I thought... somewhat delusionally... that if I just got all the loose stuff out, it would stop for a bit.
So I stood next to my sink and kind of "milked" my hair.... you know like milking a cow... I would grab a patch and start just going over it and the hair would come streaming out... like a waterfall.
After about a half hour.... I had this...

and decided enough was enough..... I was not going to spend all day obsessing...
literally pulling my hair out.
So I called my friend and asked her to meet me at the barbershop where my boys get their hair cut (when I don't do it).
I went to Ann's because her dad just went through cancer treatments... so she gets it.
I said... "Hey Ann, Got time to buzz me?"
And so she did. Down to about a half inch.
So at least when I read my book and pulled at my hair the next couple days, I only got little stacks of these...
{Sorry... not a good picture...}
Thursday, Ben got home from school and told me it looked like I had a "hair maze" on my head... you know... where the hair is just the outline for the bald-headed maze.
So I buzzed it down to nothing... Sadly, this is all I had left to buzz... it's on a washcloth.
The stubble bothered me, so the next morning I got out these...

And now I look like this....

Around the house, I go bald/comfortable.... At least I have a decent shaped head. I do have a little bump on the top and a mole on the back that I didn't know was there. Oh well.

Having no hair messes with my temperature, so sometimes my head is cold & I cover it... then 2 minutes later... I am so warm I can't stand it. Weird.

I am not "wigging." I do like my scarves though.

My dear husband calls this my "Pirate Girl" look.... "Arrrrgh!"

I do love the big earrings though!

Introducing... The Chemo Chronicles... Episode 1

Episode 1: Welcome to the Show!

AKA... Cylce 1: AC +/- bev

The particular chemotherapy cocktail I am on right now is called "AC-T," or "AC then T"...

Adriamycin (doxorubicin) and Cytoxan (cyclophosphamide) are the "AC." I have 4 rounds, or cycles, of this cocktail... through IV every three weeks. After the first 12 weeks, we switch to Taxol (paclitaxel or "T") for another 12 weeks... so a total of 8 cycles. This is what my oncologist calls the "Gold Standard" breast cancer chemo cocktail.

I am also participating in a double-blind, phase III clinical trial for a drug called bevacizumab (Avastin). I get this also through IV every three weeks for all 8 cycles.

Neither I nor my care team know whether I am getting the "bev" or the placebo, which is why it says "+/- bev" above. Barring any complicating medical factors, we'll all be "unblinded" around Labor Day. (My doctor can find out at any time it becomes necessary for my care.) The study has 3 "arms," creatively called A, B, and C. 20% Arm A, placebo group. 40% Arm B, real drug. 40% Arm C, real drug plus.... if I end up in Arm C, I will continue to get the bev every three weeks for an additional 10 cylcles (30 weeks). I'm actually kinda hoping for Arm C.

Monday was a long day with a haircut and a stop at Micheal's to look at yarn before the doctor. We were at the clinic from 12 noon to 5:40. After a quick sandwich at Subway, we got home around 7. I went straight to the couch and was in bed by 9.

I have to have blood drawn before every treatment and then see the doctor, so I'm there for an hour before my treatment even starts. Because it was my first treatment, the chemo drugs were run in a little slower so my treatment took 4 1/2 hours. The remaining AC cycles, I should only be there about 4 hours; being on the study adds time because the study drug has to go in too. The Taxol treatments are shorter (2 hours), but weekly, so kind of a trade-off.

On a funny side note: Adriamycin aka doxo-"rubi"-cin... rubi like ruby red is comically known as "The Red Devil," because of its ruby red color... it makes you pee orange... like cheetoh/tangerine-y kind of orange ...like immediately after it goes in and for the next day or so... kind of funny... the nurses tell you that right away, first thing as they are giving it...(it goes in as an "IV push" not an infusion, which means the nurse manually pushes it in slowly over about 15/20 minutes from a couple big honkin' syringes rather than hanging in a bag and dripping in) Good thing too because I had to pee as soon as she was done putting it in... totally orange!

Side Effects...

I'm not thrilled about losing my hair, but whatever... I'm hoping to lose my leg hair too. Not having to shave for the summer would be what I consider a "Perk." I'm on the hunt for big earrings and funky scarves, and my Mary Kay lady gave me some free eye shadows and purple eyeliner to play with, so bring it on! I am still anti-wig; they're itchy.

Honestly, I was mostly afraid of the nausea. I really, really, really hate throwing up. My doctor had told me that it would be ok, but I was still very skeptical and preparing myself for the Worst... "The Worst" being spending days languishing on the bathroom floor, worshipping the porcelain god.

Prior to the actual chemo drugs, I get a cocktail of IV anti-nausea meds. Emend first, then Zofran and dexamethasone together. These meds take about 30 minutes total to infuse. I also have presriptions for Emend and Compazine for the next couple days. Emend is wonderful stuff that you take once a day. Compazine is an "as needed" med. Even though the Zofran gave me quite a headache for about 24 hours.... AWESOME COMBINATION!

I did spend 3 days at a constant state of semi-queasy, but I Never Threw Up! for which I am profoundly grateful.

It was worse in the early mornings around the time my husband was getting up (I think it was because my stomach got empty overnight), so he would get me a piece of squishy-white-bread and I would pop a Compazine and that would get me through until I got the kids off to school. And then in the evenings it would get bad again, so some saltines and a Compazine and I was ok. Thank you Lord for minor miracles.

Other than that... I was just very, very tired... collapse-on-the-couch, can't-keep-my-eyes-open-but-can't-quite-sleep, watching-tv-is-a-lot-of-work, too-tired-to-crochet tired. I usually had a couple little energy bursts. Enough to get a shower or load the dishwasher... except Thursday... Thursday was the worst fatigue. But then I perked up quite a bit on Friday and I felt great onSaturday! Sunday was pretty good, just took it easy in the afternoon.

I am now in what is called the "nadir." It's the time when my white counts are at their lowest, usually between 7 and 10 days after treatment. They start to rebound by about day 14. By 21, they are supposed to be back to normal so we can start all over again. But this week, I have to be really careful because I am at high risk of infection. The nurse actually told me that if I have a fever over 101 or chills to call, day or night, because that may be the only sign I have that an infection is starting. I was never germ-a-phobic before, but I am now.

I have also decided that I am not going back to work right away as I had planned. I have up to 26 weeks of short term disability through work, and I'm going to use it. Both the clinic social worker and my oncology nurse said that these first 4 cycles are very physically demanding and since I have a physical job (not a "desk job"), they both heartily recommended not working if I don't have to. I'm supposed to "stay active," but it's not like I don't have "Life" to keep me active enough between home and church... besides, cancer has started to feel like a full time job all by itself.

By the time I run out of disability, I will be close to starting school. My doctors all say that I should still be able to go ahead with my school plans for the fall. So I am moving forward with that. I should have all my paperwork in this week and will find out by mid-June if I have a spot for sure. Classes start the end of August.

Through it all, God is good. My prayer blanket got a real workout this week. It was never far from me exept when I was close to My Honey. My husband is awesome! My kids really stepped up this week and helped out. I am so proud of Rob and the maturity he is starting to show. My friend helped out getting the older boys to school. My sister brought me strawberries from Cosco. My church family helped with meals and any other support needed. It's good to be so loved.

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow

This is my pre-chemo hair... badly in need of a shampoo, but hey... that's what the salon is for right? As a kid, it was STICK STRAIGHT... now it has developed a wave of it's own... weird.

Bye Bye Ponytail!

A little Sassy Cassie showing...

My ultra-cute stylist Paige at the ultra-posh Madison salon we ended up at.

My new do... blown out with that big round brush they use....
I could never do hair...

I can't do the round-brush-thing to save my life.
Wish I had a photo where I had bothered to put make-up on, but I just haven't been that ambitious this week.


I don't love it... I like? it... most of the time.... which is fine, because it's only gonna be here another week or two and then you'll get some pictures of my summer chrome-dome.

I curled it up yesterday for church and got tons of compliments.
I just look sooooo much like my mom when I have short hair.
Good thing she's cute!

Chemo Day Is Here

It seems very surreal, but I start chemo tomorrow. Today, I went over and talked to my neighbor's daughter...she's 55.... She went through it just a few years ago. I needed a pep talk. Her advice... Get ice cream after every treatment.

My doc's office is just down the street from Cold Stone Creamery so I think I will have to do just that. My friend Terry is going with me... just cuz she's a sweetie!

I have decided to have genetic testing; the genetic counselor thought there was probably only a 10% chance or so that I have one of the known BRCA 1 or 2 mutations, but I want to rule it out. It will also help me decide what to do next.

And I get my hair cut tomorrow morning. I'll post before and after pics when I feel up to it.

Prayers Welcome.

Weirdness...

My dear friend H. is so right on here. I can't even add to it, except to say, "You Go, Girl!"

Really?! My Dog Is So Stupid Sometimes

OK. So yesterday I gave my dog an Easter gift of the ham bone and maybe that was my bad... although he was really happy at the time. But today he puked on my carpet.

This is not really not a big deal in and of itself. And then he went and layed back down on the couch and went back to sleep. Typical.

I was busy and didn't immediately clean it up. {The kids are back to school (Hooray!!!) so it wasn't like it wasn't going to tracked around.}

When I got up to clean it up, he popped up his head and looked at me. I went to throw away the yucky stuff.

Then.... THEN... the stupid dog gets up and throws up... again... 18 inches from the first spot.

Like really.... he had to wait to puke again 'til I cleaned up the first batch...
and he couldn't even hit the same spot?

Is that like when your kids can't poop in a wet diaper; they have to wait for a dry one?

I Think I Need A 12-Step Program ASAP

This is my stash. Completely covering my queen size bed.

I wonder if there is a local chapter of Yarn Whores Anonymous?

Funky cotton. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it, but it makes me think of saddle shoes and poodle skirts for some reason. Just too fun to leave in the store.

Generally I never buy this brand. It's itchy. However, my 10-year-old wanted to crochet a hat and scarf out of it so I have 3 skeins. After one brief attempt on his part, this has been added to my project list.

Some actual wool. The pink/brown was for Granola Heather. The off-white tweedy one was made into a natural-fiber, non-girly wrap for Dr. Kristin. It had that nice turquoise as trim. The purple is as yet unassigned, but it will have that dark (blue/burgundy/brown/purple) varigated with it. The two little skeins are a soooo soft merino wool blend for Granola Heather to make me a hat or two for my soon-to-be-bald head. I really dislike pastels; I need color!

Micheal's was having a yarn sale and I found these lushy varigateds. I love the one on the lower left; it feels like summer. The pink one might end up for my grandma. She likes pink.

Yarn sale strikes again. Nice purple and a green to go with above-summery-varigated.

Caron Simply Soft. Totally acrylic (fake/man-made) but really soft. What do you think... plain pink or varigated for Grandma? I have a striped pattern that is going to be so awesome with these vibrant colors. My mom got a birthday shawl in that turquoise with black accent.

Yes, I'm sorry to say, that is Vanna White. Vanna's Choice. Works up well and those one-color-with-white mixtures are really pretty. Again, black for accent. Really makes the other colors "POP."

And my homespun collection. The ones in the top row have all been "shawled" already, as has the second from the left. I had a request for another one in that gold-blend so I had to get some more. Personally, I think it's kind of ugly, but the woman I gave it to loves it and her co-worker liked it so much she asked for one in the same color. To each their own I guess. I love the others though.

And somewhere is a plastic bag with some BEAUTIFUL blue varigated that I splurged on last week... just for me....

Now, if only I could find it...

Shawl #20 was handed out today. It was the red homespun with some of that lighter red varigated on the edges. It made a few people smile. God is good.

The Power of Yarn and Prayer

In January, I started to get the mid-winter blahs so I decided I needed a project. I work with elderly people, many of whom are in wheelchairs and many of whom are always chilly... so I thought I would find a shawl pattern and crochet some shawls for my old ladies, and maybe one for myself.

On a tip from my yarn-whore friend, I found this really pretty, FREE shawl pattern on Ravelry.com. It's called "The All-Shawl."

(I suggest this free site for anyone who likes to make stuff from yarn - lots of free patterns.)

This is mine. It was the 4th one I made, I think.

I loved the yarn and couldn't give it away.

I made it extra wide so I can really wrap up in it.

It is 75% acrylic and 25% wool; warm but washable.

Then I bought some yarn... ok lots of yarn. And then a pamphlet with a few other patterns, including the cute ruffley thing below. I'm a bit of a compulsive shopper. This lovely green one is for Lisa.

Soon after the pattern and yarn binge... before I even had a chance to start to crochet... I found my lump. And I began to crochet. And crochet. And crochet.

{My list is now on the sidebar... Holy Cow! 19 & counting...

Even I didn't realize I had made that many.}

Sometimes I had a person in mind when I started a shawl and sometimes I decide who it's for when it's finished, usually because of a moment of inspiration that points me to a specific person. I have really been blessed by this.

I have been aware from the beginning of this rollercoaster that I had the prayers of many blanketing me. But last week, I got tangible evidence of this. A few of my "sisters" showed up at my house one evening to deliver this...

It is literally my very own "Prayer Blanket." You see, my dear friends had been getting together since around Valentine's day, praying and knitting and crocheting for me. Each sister made a piece or two and then they put it together to make this lovely afghan. So now when I go to my chemo treatments or anytime, anywhere else I need a little extra warmth, I have the love and prayers of powerful, faith-filled women to wrap up in.

The day after I got this blanket was a hard day. I wrapped up in my prayer blanket and had a deep-sleep power-nap.

A little island of tranquility in an otherwise teary day, which is nothing short of a miracle.

Never underestimate the power of yarn and prayer.

God is good.

PS... I take requests. I just need a color choice and a place to send it.

A Quick Update

I know that some of you are looking for an update on me and my surgery.

I wish I had something super-inspiring to share.... but I don't.

I am doing as well as can be expected, I think. The physical recouperation isn't as bad this time around as it was last time. I have a 15 inch incision from the back of my underarm area to just past the midpoint of my chest. It is stapled shut. I have a surgical drain through tomorrow. It sounds and looks way bad, but although I am exceptionally tired, I am not in a huge amount of pain.

I walked with my husband all the way to the corner and back yesterday; we live in the middle of the block. About 2 houses down, Tom asked if I wanted to stop and say "Hi" to the neighbors.... I couldn't. I just needed to go home. I was done.

I had a major emotional meltdown... well several of them actually.... Saturday. That was the day I could take my bandages off and take a shower. I thought I was prepared... but I looked in the mirror and just cried.

Then I cried my way through the shower.

Then I cried to my mom.

Then later... I cried to my husband, actually I finally cried myself to sleep with him rubbing my head.

I woke up to a better day.

So how am I doing? I don't really know how to answer that, except that I'm doing.

More Surgery

The collective medical minds surrounding me (and some extra specialists surrounding them...) have decided that I need more surgery to minimize the risk that cancer will come back in the same breast, otherwise known as a local recurrence... Something which I am now at high risk for. This particular enemy that I am fighting seems to be pretty nasty.

So tomorrow morning bright and early I head back to the hospital for a mastectomy. I will be home tomorrow afternoon, surgical drain and narcotic painkillers in tow. I have "Cassie-sitters" lined up for Friday and Saturday. Some lovely church-family members are coming to clean tomorrow while I am gone, so I get to come home to a clean house, and others are bringing dinner through Monday or more if needed.

Through it all, God is good.

Prayers welcome.

The Squeaky Wheel Really Does Get The Grease

I'm learning this, and learning it quick. Especially as it applies to my medical situation.

My surgeon does not want to order further testing for me (squeak, squeak). She wants me to see the oncologist and have HIM do it... if he so chooses.

But... since I am "anxious" about this (squeak, squeak), they got me an appointment with the oncologist this week instead of waiting until next week.

So my waiting will have a little relief in that capacity at least.

I see the oncologist on Thursday morning.

Squeak. Squeak.

The Waiting Game.... aka Cancer sucks, but I am still so blessed.

It feels like all I have been doing lately is playing The Waiting Game. I wait for tests... I wait for test results.... I wait for appointments.... I wait for surgery.... I wait for more test results.... I wait to heal.... I wait to see the oncologist to get the game plan for the next step in treatment...

I wait..... for some ray of good news in the midst of all of the bad news coming in....

But not much good news has come. The tumor had grown by the time they got it out, almost tripled in size from the mammogram only 8 days earlier. The pathology results were not encouraging. Everything indicates that this cancer is NOT messing around. It is agressive and moving fast. On a cellular level, everything they score from 1 to 3 (1 being in the "not-so-bad" category)... my cancer scored a 3.

It was in 6 lymph nodes; one of these nodes was the size of a golf ball instead of the kidney bean it should have been. It had started drawing in surrounding tissues, like nerves. It remains to be seen whether or not I have permanent nerve damage in my left arm.

It was in my blood vessels, which means that even as I wait to heal from surgery it is moving around inside me looking for a new home.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

So I have started looking for good news.... searching out the bright spots in this unpleasant reality that I now find myself. And there are many....

• I have an awesome husband. He has been, and continues to be, my strongest cheerleader. He is such an example of absolute faith that God will see us through this. He gives me so much strength when I run low... which is often.


• I have 4 fine healthy sons. Proof that miracles happen all the time.


• I have a wonderful family that has rallied around me. My sister even went online and ordered Gone With The Wind for me on DVD because I lamented not being able to find it to add to my chic flick collection.


• My church famly has blanketed me with love and prayers. Not to mention dinners for my family, housekeeping, cards and more cards, and unconditional support.


• My friends have done the same.... plus some flowers and the occasional chocolate treat.


• I've lost about 20 pounds in the last month.


• I've decided to cut my hair before chemo and donate it to Locks of Love. At least if I have to lose my hair, I can do it on my own terms.


• I have gotten to spend the last 2 weeks being a complete slacker. Chic flicks, naps, and crochet.

And many many other things that escape me.... That's just how my brain is right now.

I had this weird compulsion to find a shawl pattern and buy lots of yarn right before I found this lump. Interesting coincidence, if you believe in coincidences... which I don't, or proof that God is in control and knew that I was going to need something to do with my hands to keep me sane through the waiting.

I have made 6 shawls... finally one for me last week. The rest I give away... special Cassie hugs that will keep you warm anytime. The one I will probably finish today is for the lovely woman who did my mammogram. She herself is a breast cancer survivor. She knew what she was looking at in me from the beginning and didn't let on. So Barb, this one's for you.

I am hoping to have a scan done this week which will tell me if this cancer has transplanted anywhere and is setting up housekeeping in a major way. It will not detect microscopic stuff, but will still hopefully give me a little more peace of mind. The oncology appointment to set up the treatment protocol ... aka plan of attack..... should be next week, but I won't know when until Thursday after I see my surgeon for another follow-up.

I'll keep you posted (Ha Ha! I'm so punny!)

A Few Thoughts on Psalm 23

Psalm 23 has been on my mind quite a bit in the last couple days and I wanted to share my thoughts. They are not just mine; I think we had a message about this a few months back and it is just returning strongly to me.

Most people think of Psalm 23 as the "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" funeral scripture. No I am not feeling morbid or all that depressed. Scared, absolutley! But that is for another post. In the great words of Scarlet O'Hara... "I'll think about that tomorrow."... Anyway, back to the Psalm.... I disagree about the funeral-only usage.

Here is the Psalm.... and my thoughts.

The Lord is my shepherd,

Shepherds take care of their flock. I have a powerful shepherd.

I shall not be in want.

My needs will be met....

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

Not just any pastures, but "green" pastures.

He leads me beside quiet waters,

Peace.

He restores my soul.

"Restores" me... when I've got nothing left.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake.

His paths... not mine. I don't get to choose the paths;

my job is to follow where he leads.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

Sometimes things suck.

I will fear no evil, for You are with me;

I don't need to be scared. I am never alone.

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

He will help me fight off the "wolves" of life... the enemies.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.

A table for me... a feast even...

in front of my enemies... not with them...

Like God saying, "Ha!Ha!...This one's mine!"

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

I am so blessed.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,

God loves me and He wants me to be happy.

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

What an awesome finish line.

My surgery is tomorrow and I am very aprehensive about that, but I do have a great sense of peace that God is really watching over me.

I am going to try to keep my blog updated throughout this process. It is as much for me to get all this stuff bouncing around my head... OUT... so I don't feel like I'm going nuts.

Please continue the prayers.

"Their Finest Hour"

I found the last part of Churchhill's speech on YouTube. It's pretty cool with the accent!

Enjoy!

Stupid Boobs

I have thought long and hard how to title this post. I think "Stupid Boobs" is as close as I'm going to get right now. Now some of you may think that I am referring to some mentally challenged lame-brain that cut me off in traffic or something, but I am in fact referring to ... well... boobs.

Boobs come in all shapes and sizes. I have always longed for perky D-cups, but we all know that those don't really exist except in SiliconeWorld. What I have ended up with is a gargantuan size... well, H... I think. {I have in fact been up to a J which is repulsive, but I think I am at an H now.} Very nice and jiggly and I can never go anywhere without a bra, including my living room, unless I have a couple layers (like a heavy sweatshirt) on.

Boobs are useful for a time. Mine fed all of my children. My husband certainly enjoys them. I really don't like carrying them around all that much, but my chiropractor appreciates the business they cause him. I regularly have to go have my back and neck adjusted to deal with lugging 12-15 pounds around on my front.

Right now, I HATE MY STUPID BOOBS!

Last Friday, while changing my clothes, I found a lump. Freaked out. Tried to pretend it didn't actually exist. Didn't mention it to anyone.

Saturday, I called the nurse at the clinic about the supposedly-nonexistent-but-annoyingly-still-there lumpy boob; really I was just hoping she could get me in for my annual poke-and-probe a little quicker than the usual 6 weeks it takes to get an appointment. She said, "It really should be evaluated. Come in this morning." Cried. Told my husband.

The very lovely, very thorough Nurse Practitioner I saw validated my stupid non-existent boob lump and sceduled me for a mammogram.

"Great!" I thought. "Hello, Boob Pancake."

The one good thing about mega boobs though is that mammograms are really not heinous. You see, they put your boob on a shelf and then squish it into a nice pancake shape, take a picture, rearrange, re-squish, etc. My boob more than willingly sits on a shelf, and -let's just be honest here- is more flop than full anymore. Pancake... no problem.

Mammogram was Wednesday morning. The radiology tech told me before she started that she would run the pics over to the doc at the hospital (literally, next door) and don't be surprised if he wants an ultrasound. "They almost always want an ultrasound with a lump, so don't freak out." Of course, he wanted an ultrasound. They'll work me in.

Off to the hospital (next door) I go and get an ultrasound. Followed by a needle biopsy of the "worrisome nodule" they found. Surgeon talks to me. Surgeons always give you the results of these things aparently. Results Friday afternoon. {By the way, a "needle biopsy" is way more than it sounds like.}

Thursday,results in early. 4:30 appointment with the surgeon. 4:45 p.m.... Surgeon says, "You definitely have a breast cancer."

I kind of knew already. From the moment I felt the supposedly-non-existent lump... I knew. I felt it. That this was not "nothing" like most lumpy 35-year-old boobs turn out to be. It didn't matter. I still didn't know what to say...

I mean...

What do you say to that? I'm 35, ok almost 36, but still. I have no family history of any kind of cancer. I don't smoke or drink. I breastfed my babes. All that stuff is supposed to protect me, right? Aparently not in my case.

So my friends, and my family, I am in for a fight. When you are my age, breast cancers tend to grow quicker and be more aggressive. We are treating it quickly and aggressively.

I go in for an MRI on Tuesday, surgery to remove the lump and check lymph nodes on Thursday. If lymph nodes are involved and/or if they don't find clear tissue margins when they do the pathology work-ups from the surgery, that means more surgery. After surgery, 6 months of chemo. After chemo, 6 weeks of radiation.

Winston Churchhill gave a speech in June 1940, when Europe was getting totally anhialated by the Germans, that talked about how the fight needed to go on. So that 1000 years from now, people would talk about their fight and say from the midst of their struggle against the enemy came "their finest hour."

This quote is what my wonderful husband told me about last night when I asked what he was feeling. He said the doctors say that 2010 is going to be a sucky year for me, but he thinks it will be my finest hour. How sweet the victory will be. Vanquishment of the enemy in the darkest of times. My enemy is cancer.

Earlier this week, one of my friends who knew what was going on, emailed me to tell me she was praying... and specifically what she was praying. I thought is was so well put and beautiful. These are the prayers I ask for from all of you...

"...peace of mind; assurance that God is in control and will work His best for you; that somewhere deep inside, the joy still lives – lending strength through the fear and uncertainty; that the Great Physician will find that His will is that you be healed of any problem there may be.

I’ve included Tom in my prayer because the husband goes through a whole spectrum of emotions, too. (Even though he may not admit it!)"
{-And please add my sons in here. They now know what's going on... and IT'S. JUST. HARD. }

I know that God has a plan for me. I am glad for that and I accept it. I know that good will come out of this somehow. That being said, I don't have to like it! I hope to get through the coming months with as much grace and joy as I can possibly find. I know you all will be here to help.

...Prozac anyone? (Rated slightly PG)

So I have a slight case of the doldrums... lots going on, but all in a pretty boring/normal kind of way ... soooo not too much to talk about.

So here is another funny... swiped from an email my sis sent me...


* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

* Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

* Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism..

* Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

* In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

*When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Pick up a turd... by the CLEAN end?!

So I am supposed to be being productive.... but instead I am cruising Facebook and updating my blog. In an ode to that, I am totally plagerizing something my cousin Matt had as a status. It was too good to pass up...


"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end." Unknown author

Well said, Mr. Anonymous Author. Two Thumbs Up!